Lookin’ Back: The Substitute
Movie Star Tom Berenger just invented a new dish:  Beef Stew Tacos.  First, what ya need are some flour tortillas.  Second, take some beef stew you have lying around and lay it on there real thick like.  My helper gal, Shanita, made me a batch 2 days ago.  You can use Dinty Moore in a pinch.  Microwave ‘em ‘til they’re hot as honey on a highschool cheerleader’s thigh.  That’s some good eatin’.
Shanita looks a bit like veteran actor and black guy, Ernie Hudson, who I did a job with back in ‘96, called The Substitute.
Movie Star Tom Berenger played John Shale, an ex-Marine turned merc who has to go undercover at a school because his ladyfriend gets her knee busted by some bag of trash named Juan Lacas who was played by some bag of trash named Marc Anthony.  Schools are important to Movie Star Tom Berenger so I really had a feel for Shale.
Ernie Hudson pretty much kept to himself on set, which I can understand.  The director could barely get out the word “cut” before Ernie high tailed it back to his trailer to “bang out one of his bitches.”  Not alot of class from that one, and I don’t say that because of his color, but I can sympathize with his sentiment.
Funny thing about Marc Anthony, while the fella was doin’ the job as a dope pusher, he was actually selling dime bags of skunky brick weed on the set like some sorta animal.  One time he asked if I wanted to hear him sing one of the Latino songs he was working on for his music career.  I told him I’d love to oblige, just as soon as I got through taking a belt sander to my 4.5 inches of erect penis.  He didn’t seem to catch my drift.  I think the sarcasm was lost in the language barrier.  I politely explained to him that in the USA, weren’t nobody gonna be interested in someone that looks like an AIDS riddled vampire singing crap from a 15-year old mexican’s birthday party.  Not even 15-year old mexicans.
He made some crack about my “seester” and I bested him with a left hook.  Director Robert Mandel asked what the beef was and I told him we were just working out the fight scene for later in the picture.  To his credit, Count Sickula knew better than to tattle on a grown man and did the smart thing by agreeing.
I guess the fella did alright for himself in the end, baggin’ that J-Lo broad with the monster caboose.  Too bad for him I already did myself alright in her end, back when she was swinging her tail around on that clown show for brothers in the early ‘90’s.
So, that’s my recipe for Beef Stew Tacos.  I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back: The Substitute


Movie Star Tom Berenger just invented a new dish:  Beef Stew Tacos.  First, what ya need are some flour tortillas.  Second, take some beef stew you have lying around and lay it on there real thick like.  My helper gal, Shanita, made me a batch 2 days ago.  You can use Dinty Moore in a pinch.  Microwave ‘em ‘til they’re hot as honey on a highschool cheerleader’s thigh.  That’s some good eatin’.

Shanita looks a bit like veteran actor and black guy, Ernie Hudson, who I did a job with back in ‘96, called The Substitute.

Movie Star Tom Berenger played John Shale, an ex-Marine turned merc who has to go undercover at a school because his ladyfriend gets her knee busted by some bag of trash named Juan Lacas who was played by some bag of trash named Marc Anthony.  Schools are important to Movie Star Tom Berenger so I really had a feel for Shale.

Ernie Hudson pretty much kept to himself on set, which I can understand.  The director could barely get out the word “cut” before Ernie high tailed it back to his trailer to “bang out one of his bitches.”  Not alot of class from that one, and I don’t say that because of his color, but I can sympathize with his sentiment.

Funny thing about Marc Anthony, while the fella was doin’ the job as a dope pusher, he was actually selling dime bags of skunky brick weed on the set like some sorta animal.  One time he asked if I wanted to hear him sing one of the Latino songs he was working on for his music career.  I told him I’d love to oblige, just as soon as I got through taking a belt sander to my 4.5 inches of erect penis.  He didn’t seem to catch my drift.  I think the sarcasm was lost in the language barrier.  I politely explained to him that in the USA, weren’t nobody gonna be interested in someone that looks like an AIDS riddled vampire singing crap from a 15-year old mexican’s birthday party.  Not even 15-year old mexicans.

He made some crack about my “seester” and I bested him with a left hook.  Director Robert Mandel asked what the beef was and I told him we were just working out the fight scene for later in the picture.  To his credit, Count Sickula knew better than to tattle on a grown man and did the smart thing by agreeing.

I guess the fella did alright for himself in the end, baggin’ that J-Lo broad with the monster caboose.  Too bad for him I already did myself alright in her end, back when she was swinging her tail around on that clown show for brothers in the early ‘90’s.

So, that’s my recipe for Beef Stew Tacos.  I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back: Sniper 2
Movie Star Tom Berenger just got back from the supermarket.  Got myself a nice selection of cold cuts, some crusty rye bread, a dozen extra large eggs, some vitamin d, Wheaties, Guldon’s Mustard, a pound of bacon, and some a them Little Debbie Nutty Bars.  Movie Star Tom Berenger ain’t much for sweets, I ain’t no fag, but I like to keep ‘em on hand in case a gal needs some energy during a marathon ball session.
The bagger looked a bit like that brother, Bokeem Woodbine.  Movie Star Tom Berenger did a job with the kid on Sniper 2, where I reprised my role as ex-marine Thomas Beckett.  Which is a cool sounding name.
'Keem liked to think he was some sorta cocksmith.  Always pulling out his joint for a gag and chasing the catering staff around.  Nice enough fella, but there's no need to act like some stupid animal when you're earning a wage.  Movie Star Tom Berenger is a professional actor and the only time my 4.5 inches of erect penis is out, is when it's in, if you catch my drift.
Most of the young actors out there are either some sorta science god freak, some sorta fag, or Tom Cruise.  Ain’t no class in this business nowadays.
Erika Marozsan was the main gal on 2.  Pretty smokin’ little piece, but wouldn’t let Movie Star Tom Berenger so much as give her a cervical exam.  I think she was smugglin’ that animal Bokeem’s pipe, so I ain’t want nothin’ to do in her unders anyhow.  It ain’t no race thing, Movie Star Tom Berenger pals around with some brothers, I’m just not big on leftovers.
Movie Star Tom Berenger was more than fine with his performance in Sniper 2, but post really cut it to hell like a 5 dollar crack whore in a Spanish neighborhood.  I wouldn’t waste your time on it.  ‘Keem didn’t really have the chops.  Come to think of it, he mighta actually been the fella baggin’ my groceries.  Probably why my eggs got crushed.
So folks, that’s all I got on Sniper 2.  I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back: Sniper 2

Movie Star Tom Berenger just got back from the supermarket.  Got myself a nice selection of cold cuts, some crusty rye bread, a dozen extra large eggs, some vitamin d, Wheaties, Guldon’s Mustard, a pound of bacon, and some a them Little Debbie Nutty Bars.  Movie Star Tom Berenger ain’t much for sweets, I ain’t no fag, but I like to keep ‘em on hand in case a gal needs some energy during a marathon ball session.

The bagger looked a bit like that brother, Bokeem Woodbine.  Movie Star Tom Berenger did a job with the kid on Sniper 2, where I reprised my role as ex-marine Thomas Beckett.  Which is a cool sounding name.

'Keem liked to think he was some sorta cocksmith.  Always pulling out his joint for a gag and chasing the catering staff around.  Nice enough fella, but there's no need to act like some stupid animal when you're earning a wage.  Movie Star Tom Berenger is a professional actor and the only time my 4.5 inches of erect penis is out, is when it's in, if you catch my drift.

Most of the young actors out there are either some sorta science god freak, some sorta fag, or Tom Cruise.  Ain’t no class in this business nowadays.

Erika Marozsan was the main gal on 2.  Pretty smokin’ little piece, but wouldn’t let Movie Star Tom Berenger so much as give her a cervical exam.  I think she was smugglin’ that animal Bokeem’s pipe, so I ain’t want nothin’ to do in her unders anyhow.  It ain’t no race thing, Movie Star Tom Berenger pals around with some brothers, I’m just not big on leftovers.

Movie Star Tom Berenger was more than fine with his performance in Sniper 2, but post really cut it to hell like a 5 dollar crack whore in a Spanish neighborhood.  I wouldn’t waste your time on it.  ‘Keem didn’t really have the chops.  Come to think of it, he mighta actually been the fella baggin’ my groceries.  Probably why my eggs got crushed.

So folks, that’s all I got on Sniper 2.  I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back:  Eddie and the Cruisers
Movie Star Tom Berenger was just flippin’ through some of his old Penthouse magazines here, and a blonde bombshell from the August 1987 issue really got my groin rumblin’.  Reminded me of the time I was doing a job as Frank Ridgeway in 1983’s, “Eddie and the Cruisers.”  Frank Ridgeway is a cool sounding name.
First off, Movie Star Tom Berenger wanted to say what a pleasure it was to work with Joey Pantoliano.  Pants is a professional actor and always had a similar work ethic to Movie Star Tom Berenger.  But like the saying goes that I made up, “Work hard, play harder.”
Movie Star Tom Berenger was in a relationship then with some nobody, and you have no idea how difficult it was to keep my nuggets in check with stone cold fox, Ellen Barkin, on set everyday.
Needless to say, Movie Star Tom Berenger kicked whatshername to gutter where she belonged, and after we wrapped the job, Pants came over to celebrate with a nice sized amount of Columbian cowboy dust.
Well, after ridin’ a few rails, I started to get some pixies dancin’ in my Hanes, so I gave Barkin a ring to see if she wanted join the fiesta.  Pants was outback fiddlin’ around with my .38.
Barkin showed up in a flash.  Seems she just got in a squabble with her old man and was lookin’ to let loose.  Ellen knocked back a few shots of mescal, popped a cold one, and started to rip snowflakes like a tiny Santa Claus.  I don’t really know what that means, but stay with me here.
I suggested we adjurn to the Jacuzzi and Barkin didn’t think twice about droppin’ down to her skivvies, grabbing a bottle of Cold Duck, and heading direct.  Watching her hams switch back in forth in front of me got Movie Star Tom Berenger’s joint rockin’ and rollin’, so I made no mistake about lettin’ her know.  Barkin played it cool with a hair flip and we got in the suds.
After a couple pulls off the bubbly, EB straddled Movie Star Tom Berenger’s 4.5, slipped aside her knickers and it was Balldeep City.  It didn’t take long for Pants to notice the commotion, and I gave him the high sign.  We arrested her Chinese style for about 20 minutes until Joey lost his soldier due to an intestinal issue.  I finished up the game as a one man operation, and Barkin said she was grateful.  Barkin stayed over for about 3 days and we musta balled for at least 60 of those 72 hours.  Eventually she made nice with her fella and split, which was fine by me.  Movie Star Tom Berenger needed a nice sandwich and some shut eye.
Eddie and the Cruisers.  Always did like that picture.  So that’s my story.
I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back:  Eddie and the Cruisers

Movie Star Tom Berenger was just flippin’ through some of his old Penthouse magazines here, and a blonde bombshell from the August 1987 issue really got my groin rumblin’.  Reminded me of the time I was doing a job as Frank Ridgeway in 1983’s, “Eddie and the Cruisers.”  Frank Ridgeway is a cool sounding name.

First off, Movie Star Tom Berenger wanted to say what a pleasure it was to work with Joey Pantoliano.  Pants is a professional actor and always had a similar work ethic to Movie Star Tom Berenger.  But like the saying goes that I made up, “Work hard, play harder.”

Movie Star Tom Berenger was in a relationship then with some nobody, and you have no idea how difficult it was to keep my nuggets in check with stone cold fox, Ellen Barkin, on set everyday.

Needless to say, Movie Star Tom Berenger kicked whatshername to gutter where she belonged, and after we wrapped the job, Pants came over to celebrate with a nice sized amount of Columbian cowboy dust.

Well, after ridin’ a few rails, I started to get some pixies dancin’ in my Hanes, so I gave Barkin a ring to see if she wanted join the fiesta.  Pants was outback fiddlin’ around with my .38.

Barkin showed up in a flash.  Seems she just got in a squabble with her old man and was lookin’ to let loose.  Ellen knocked back a few shots of mescal, popped a cold one, and started to rip snowflakes like a tiny Santa Claus.  I don’t really know what that means, but stay with me here.

I suggested we adjurn to the Jacuzzi and Barkin didn’t think twice about droppin’ down to her skivvies, grabbing a bottle of Cold Duck, and heading direct.  Watching her hams switch back in forth in front of me got Movie Star Tom Berenger’s joint rockin’ and rollin’, so I made no mistake about lettin’ her know.  Barkin played it cool with a hair flip and we got in the suds.

After a couple pulls off the bubbly, EB straddled Movie Star Tom Berenger’s 4.5, slipped aside her knickers and it was Balldeep City.  It didn’t take long for Pants to notice the commotion, and I gave him the high sign.  We arrested her Chinese style for about 20 minutes until Joey lost his soldier due to an intestinal issue.  I finished up the game as a one man operation, and Barkin said she was grateful.  Barkin stayed over for about 3 days and we musta balled for at least 60 of those 72 hours.  Eventually she made nice with her fella and split, which was fine by me.  Movie Star Tom Berenger needed a nice sandwich and some shut eye.

Eddie and the Cruisers.  Always did like that picture.  So that’s my story.

I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back: Sliver
Movie Star Tom Berenger just finished up a healthy BM in the john here.  Got me thinkin’ about the time I did a job playing thriller author Jack Lansford in the picture, “Sliver.”
The honchos gave Billy Baldwin the job as leading man, guess they were banking on him not turning into a punchline.  But Movie Star Tom Berenger knows he can’t always play the hunk.  I’m a professional actor, not some pretty boy model in a queer rag, so I was fine with it.
Turned out Sharon Stone wasn’t too eager to please Billy in the hump shots.  Apparently, she needs to be real lubed up downstairs to heat up the camera.  Billy just wasn’t her type.
Sharon asked Movie Star Tom Berenger if he ever heard of “fluffing.”  I said I had, but I preferred to straight up ball a gal if it was all the same.  I already knew Sharon spread ‘em wide if you had so much as a studio expense account or a daytime tv credit, so when she gave me a wink I knew it was time to throw the pigskin around.
I double-bagged the 4.5 and gave Stone a quick toss in the P.A.’s john.  Movie Star Tom Berenger had just ordered a pastrami hero and didn’t want it to get cold.
Sharon nailed the scene.  Never did get as much as a thank you.  Guess where Sharon’s from they never heard of manners.
I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.
There you go.  That’s my Sliver story.

Lookin’ Back: Sliver

Movie Star Tom Berenger just finished up a healthy BM in the john here.  Got me thinkin’ about the time I did a job playing thriller author Jack Lansford in the picture, “Sliver.”

The honchos gave Billy Baldwin the job as leading man, guess they were banking on him not turning into a punchline.  But Movie Star Tom Berenger knows he can’t always play the hunk.  I’m a professional actor, not some pretty boy model in a queer rag, so I was fine with it.

Turned out Sharon Stone wasn’t too eager to please Billy in the hump shots.  Apparently, she needs to be real lubed up downstairs to heat up the camera.  Billy just wasn’t her type.

Sharon asked Movie Star Tom Berenger if he ever heard of “fluffing.”  I said I had, but I preferred to straight up ball a gal if it was all the same.  I already knew Sharon spread ‘em wide if you had so much as a studio expense account or a daytime tv credit, so when she gave me a wink I knew it was time to throw the pigskin around.

I double-bagged the 4.5 and gave Stone a quick toss in the P.A.’s john.  Movie Star Tom Berenger had just ordered a pastrami hero and didn’t want it to get cold.

Sharon nailed the scene.  Never did get as much as a thank you.  Guess where Sharon’s from they never heard of manners.

I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

There you go.  That’s my Sliver story.

Lookin’ Back: Cheers
Movie Star Tom Berenger ain’t much for cookin’, but I just made a nice sandwich out of a dinner roll and some leftover taco meat.  Perty tasty.
Reminds me of the time Movie Star Tom Berenger picked up a job as repairman Don Santry on a couple episodes of Cheers, the bar show with the drunk fatso on it.  Always good for a chuckle.  Script said Rebecca’s got the hots for Don so I asked Kirstie if she wanted to do some lines in my trailer, just to get the scene right.  Movie Star Tom Berenger is a professional actor.
After running through it one time, Kirstie said my trailer was too hot and took off her blouse.  Movie Star Tom Berenger started to nuzzle her ample breasts when I got a whiff of her pits.  Smelled like the dumpster behind Don Julio’s Burrito Barn.  Movie Star Tom Berenger told that animal to go find out what soap and water could do for her and get back to me.  Kirstie got in the shower but when she rejoined me on the couch, the gal still smelled like Tito’s Taco Paradise.  Movie Star Tom Berenger knew if the upstairs has an issue, that there must be bodies buried in her basement.  So I told her that.
I felt bad so I let her give the 4.5 a tug job and told her to hit the bricks.
So, that’s my Cheers story there.  I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.
(Just to clarify, this was back when you could give Kirstie a go without  losin’ your watch.  Noticed she gained a little weight.  Not that  there’s anything wrong with it.  Movie Star Tom Berenger is a gentleman  and would never comment on a lady’s size.  It’s not professional.)

Lookin’ Back: Cheers

Movie Star Tom Berenger ain’t much for cookin’, but I just made a nice sandwich out of a dinner roll and some leftover taco meat.  Perty tasty.

Reminds me of the time Movie Star Tom Berenger picked up a job as repairman Don Santry on a couple episodes of Cheers, the bar show with the drunk fatso on it.  Always good for a chuckle.  Script said Rebecca’s got the hots for Don so I asked Kirstie if she wanted to do some lines in my trailer, just to get the scene right.  Movie Star Tom Berenger is a professional actor.

After running through it one time, Kirstie said my trailer was too hot and took off her blouse.  Movie Star Tom Berenger started to nuzzle her ample breasts when I got a whiff of her pits.  Smelled like the dumpster behind Don Julio’s Burrito Barn.  Movie Star Tom Berenger told that animal to go find out what soap and water could do for her and get back to me.  Kirstie got in the shower but when she rejoined me on the couch, the gal still smelled like Tito’s Taco Paradise.  Movie Star Tom Berenger knew if the upstairs has an issue, that there must be bodies buried in her basement.  So I told her that.

I felt bad so I let her give the 4.5 a tug job and told her to hit the bricks.

So, that’s my Cheers story there.  I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

(Just to clarify, this was back when you could give Kirstie a go without losin’ your watch.  Noticed she gained a little weight.  Not that there’s anything wrong with it.  Movie Star Tom Berenger is a gentleman and would never comment on a lady’s size.  It’s not professional.)

Lookin’ Back: Last of The Dogmen
I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.
Just sittin’ out on my back porch here, eatin’ an egg salad sandwich, sippin’ on a tall, cold one.  Which got me to thinkin’…
In ‘95 I was doing my job for Dogmen with the foxy Barb Hershey.  Movie Star Tom Berenger played Lewis Gates, a modern bounty hunter in the Montana Wilderness.  It was a pretty rugged job but I had the chops to pull it off.
The head honchos knew we were workin’ hard so they gave us a half-day for some R&R.  I asked Barb if she cared to join me in my trailer for an ice cold Busch and some pretzels and she was more than game.
Hersh was buck nude about 3 sips in.  I turned her rear side towards me in the john and went to town with the 4.5.  She finished first of course, then I did my business on her breasts.  It was a fine time.
Yep, so that’s my Last of The Dogmen story.
I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back: Last of The Dogmen

I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Just sittin’ out on my back porch here, eatin’ an egg salad sandwich, sippin’ on a tall, cold one.  Which got me to thinkin’…

In ‘95 I was doing my job for Dogmen with the foxy Barb Hershey.  Movie Star Tom Berenger played Lewis Gates, a modern bounty hunter in the Montana Wilderness.  It was a pretty rugged job but I had the chops to pull it off.

The head honchos knew we were workin’ hard so they gave us a half-day for some R&R.  I asked Barb if she cared to join me in my trailer for an ice cold Busch and some pretzels and she was more than game.

Hersh was buck nude about 3 sips in.  I turned her rear side towards me in the john and went to town with the 4.5.  She finished first of course, then I did my business on her breasts.  It was a fine time.

Yep, so that’s my Last of The Dogmen story.

I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

Lookin’ Back: Major League
Movie Star Tom Berenger was sure he had a hit on his hands when he  signed on for League.  Doin’ a job as a ballplayer was a natural for  Movie Star Tom Berenger. I’d just come off of Last Rights where I did a  job as a man of the cloth and wanted to get my stones up with a heartier  role.  Movie Star Tom Berenger knew Sheen was already in on the job and  we’d palled around here and there, so workin’ with Chuck sounded like  an alright gig.
Plus, Jake Taylor was a pretty cool sounding name. 
Movie Star Tom Berenger kinda thought Bernsen was some sorta fag, but hey, everything can’t be perfect.  Goddamn.
Things really brightened up when I heard Rene was tossin’ around  the idea of being my leading lady.  I stopped over at her place one  night after tossing a few back at Pig & Whistle and gave her a go  with my 4.5 inches of erect penis, right on the dame’s coffee table.  Goddamn, she was one great nail.
She signed on the next day.
Movie Star Tom Berenger ain’t no fag.
Fag = Ain’t no.
So, that’s my Major League story.

Lookin’ Back: Major League

Movie Star Tom Berenger was sure he had a hit on his hands when he signed on for League.  Doin’ a job as a ballplayer was a natural for Movie Star Tom Berenger. I’d just come off of Last Rights where I did a job as a man of the cloth and wanted to get my stones up with a heartier role.  Movie Star Tom Berenger knew Sheen was already in on the job and we’d palled around here and there, so workin’ with Chuck sounded like an alright gig.

Plus, Jake Taylor was a pretty cool sounding name. 

Movie Star Tom Berenger kinda thought Bernsen was some sorta fag, but hey, everything can’t be perfect.  Goddamn.

Things really brightened up when I heard Rene was tossin’ around the idea of being my leading lady.  I stopped over at her place one night after tossing a few back at Pig & Whistle and gave her a go with my 4.5 inches of erect penis, right on the dame’s coffee table.  Goddamn, she was one great nail.

She signed on the next day.

Movie Star Tom Berenger ain’t no fag.

Fag = Ain’t no.

So, that’s my Major League story.